Of course, these are some of the tried and true gags that have worked over the years. But, perhaps you’d like to pull an April Fool’s gag that you haven’t pulled in years past. What do you do?

One thing you can do is go political. Since this is a presidential election year, why not replace the household toilet paper with a roll of Hillary? Or, perhaps a funny Barack Obama t-shirt or George W. Bush Out of Office Calendar will have to do. One of the funniest devices this April Fools season is the Hillary Nutcracker.

She has stainless steel thighs and can crack a pair of walnuts faster than you can say “Bill and Monica”! Perhaps politics isn’t your forte but you’d still like to get the message of laughter across.

There is always the Wine Rack (that doubles as a beer bra) or the funny baby pacifier with wacky teeth or a pig nose or even the fake tattoo sleeve that will shock and awe your family and friends.

You may also wish to get a fake tongue, nose or chin piercing complete with two-sided magnets so that no actual injuries occur. Of course if you brain is scrambled with too many choices there is always the famous and fabulous fart machine to fall back on.

The point is that this year April Fool’s Day is happening live all day next Tuesday. The time to prepare for fun and frolic is right now. Strike first and watch the fun unfold all day long.

Anyway, while I was on the treadmill recently ripping some silent, yet oh so deadly ones it struck me that I don’t know much about farts. I’ve been farting all my life, but I’ve never researched the subject to find out the facts about farts.

So, I did a little research and I want to relay to you 12 fart facts that I didn’t know before and perhaps you didn’t know either.

12 Fart Facts

1. You probably already know that farts are composed of methane and maybe even hydrogen (plus nitrogen). Methane itself is also rich in hydrogen, the same element that may one day power fuel cell cars. So, by extension, we may one day be powering our cars with our own farts (Okay, that’s a stretch, perhaps we’ll use our farts as a fuel additive).

2. Farts are also flammable because of the methane and hydrogen gas. So, yes it is possible to light our own farts and a bit dangerous as you can actually burn your colon by doing so.

3. Farts stink primarily because of the hydrogen sulfide gas mixed in with the methane. Meat, eggs and cauliflower are rich in sulfur and thus are guilty of much of the odiferous nature of flatulence.

4. Beans, beans are good for your heart, but they also have many sugars that the human intestines cannot digest. The bacteria in our intestines react to these sugars and basically blow their tops.

5. The top speed of a fart is approximately 10 feet per second.

6. The average time it takes for a fart to travel to someone else’s nose depends upon conditions such as distance, atmospheric humidity, wind and pungency of odor. Two to three seconds is average.

7. The average volume of farts per person is about 1/2 of a quart. So, in just two days you can fill up an empty milk quart container with your farts.

8. Men and women are relatively even when it comes to farting. Men may fart at a slightly higher volume since men, in general, tend to be larger than women.

9. Fart comes from the Old English word “feortan” meaning “to break wind.”

10. Some people will fart more than others. Those who chew with their mouths open, are high strung or go up in airplanes will fart more than the norm.

11. Some people can hold in farts for hours, but not forever. This is especially true for people who constantly work around other people. But, the farts have to come out sometime. So, when this person falls asleep the bedroom most likely start to sound like a full orchestra.

12. The animal that has the highest output of farts on this planet is not the human nor the cow. It is the lowly termite that gets top honors as its digestive process and diet make it the perfect candidate. Some have even scapegoated the termite into being responsible for global warming, but this is a stretch.

There you have it, a dozen fart facts for your effervescent perusal. Do with this what you will. Send it to your friends. Impress people at parties with this information. Or just sit on it and digest it a bit.

Men have been naming their penises since time began when the first caveman named his appendage “Burt”. But, women are not as inclined as men to give their parts pet names. So, when vajayjay popped up into public consciousness, it was quite a surprise indeed.

I give vajayjay, two thumbs up (pun intended). As Buckwheat from the Little Rascals TV series would have said “Vajayjay is O-Tay!”

One of the more cataract-clear answers was, “Well, a bazillion is like a billion on steroids, but a gazillion is like a gigabyte full of zeroes, so a gazillion definitely has to be worth more.”

Well, its hard to argue with that logic! But there you have it, another half-baked, pseudo-scientific poll taken in the name of higher education, the people’s right to know, and just plain silly (or supercilious) fun.

Sometime later, Saturday Night Live aired a parody commercial depicting the three-blade razor, in which the first blade stretches out the whisker, the second blade stretches it out even more and the third blade cuts the whisker below the skin line for the ultimate in smooth shaving.

A couple of years later, the same razor manufacturer, hoping the public had forgotten the parody, came out with the revolutionary three-blade razor. It’s amazing when invention follows parody.

It was at this time that I found myself joking about the four-blade razor and the five-blade razor as well.

Well, just recently it has happened. Gillette has rolled out its five-blade Fusion razor (with two lubrication strips) which supposedly achieves a 30-percent closer shave than Gillette’s current MACH3Turbo system.

Now, my question is, if you had the ultimate shave 10 or so years ago, how can you keep getting even closer shaves? I mean does this new shaver do a skin peel as well? Is there a little electrolysis unit embedded in the shaver that actually kills the hair follicles at the roots?

C’mon! Let’s just skip to the 10-blade razor and be done with it. Enough of the dramatic build up. You know it’s coming. Write the major razor manufacturers today and tell them to skip to the 10-blade razor and stop holding back!

What’s also amusing is to see people circling the parking lot looking for a parking spot close to the front door. Will it really kill them to walk a few extra steps before getting on the treadmill?

I’m also in constant amazement to see how many people dress up to work out. I mean, I’m still wearing the tattered work out clothes that I’ve had since my third grade gym class and then there are others who spend a couple hundred bucks in order to look good while they’re sweating and grimacing. You know the kind. They’re grimacing as if a turd were stuck in them and just won’t come out.

Anyway, Viva le difference! Or as they say when I’m trying to get back into the country, “Visa le difference!” and “Take off your shoes, homeboy and show us the dynamite you have stashed under your cuticles.”

‘Nough said.