FunnyNews October 2004

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Funny Joke of the Month

Ticket To Ride

A guy was forced to take a day off from work to
appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless
hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before
the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the
rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"WHAT FOR?! " he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query,
roared: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The guy replied... "I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough
for 2 more words!"

2nd Funny Joke of the Month

Kids Say the Darndest…

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get
married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her
hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and
Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two
live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.
Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're
not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks aweek. That's about 60 bucks a
month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith
is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into
this.

So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you
do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky
so far..."

Funny One-Liners of the Month

If at first you don’t succeed, try apathy.

If you do a good job and work hard, you will be acknowledged with
a good severance package.

The light at the end of the tunnel is ready to beam you up to the
mothership.

If you go the extra mile, your boss can’t find you to work
overtime this weekend.

If you can’t sleep well on airplanes, try doing it at work and
get paid for it.

Low morale means your spirit has not been completely broken.
Don’t worry, you’ll get there.

If 3 out of 4 people suffer from abdominal gas pains does this
mean one person enjoys it?

Take my advice – or someone else’s vice, it doesn’t matter.

Picking your nose is a necessity. Placement of the booger is an
art.

A day without sunshine is like a very long eclipse.

On the other hand, you have a different palm.

If a man is in the doghouse too long, he soon may find the
cathouse.

What’s New in FunnyNews?

FunnyDesigns.com has rolled out whole new pages worth of new
humorous designs. Check out the vintage, novelty, crazy, beer and
popular names pages.

Funny-pictures.biz is also offering new designs on t-shirts plus
it offers a whole slew of funny, manipulated photos that can also
be placed on t-shirts.

Humoroust-shirts.com is a funny quotes and slogans on t-shirts
website and has many new funny one-liners, quotes and jokes to
choose from.

Animaltshirts.net is devoted to animals across the world on
t-shirts. From aardvarks to zebra, check out our line of animal
t-shirts.

Politicaltshirts.us is a left-wing, liberal, commie, pinko,
socialist, democrat-loving website devoted to t-shirts that are
left of center.

April-fools.us This site offers the history of April Fool’s day
and some classic April Fools pranks and hoaxes that have been
played through the media in the last 20 years. April Fools R Us
also offers many readers April Fool’s Day jokes.

Here are a few examples:

Practical Joke of the Day – Penny For Your Thoughts

What you'll need for this evil is: A penny, A funnel, a friend, a
victim WITH a really good sense of humor, good running shoes, and
a glass of water. First choose a victim. (I will refer to the
victim as Bob.) Have a funnel stuck down the front of your
pants.try to roll the penny down your nose, into the funnel. Look
like you're having lots of fun as a friend watches, holding the
glass of water. Bob will walk up and ask what you're doing.
Explain that you are trying to roll the penny from your nose into
the funnel, and offer Bob if they would like to try. Once the
funnel is down Bob's pants, take the water from your friend. as
they try to get the penny in position, dump the contents of the
glass down the funnel. Then, run for your life, laughing your
head of, you evil person. --Jolynne A.

Practical Joke of the Day – ClassMates Dot Bomb

This is a great one my boyfriend got me with! I was at my
parent's house one evening, and got a call on my cell phone from
an unknown number. When I answered, it was one of the telephone
relay services that deaf people use. The person on the other end
said she was an old class mate of mine (Kelly Smith), and she'd
run into a friend of mine at a party, and had gotten my phone
number from him. She just wanted to call and see how I was doing.
I had no idea who this was! I tried to ask her without being
rude. I hate taking relay calls! She told me she was in my
science class. I ended up asking for her phone number and said I
was busy and that I would call her back at a better time. I got
off the phone trying to figure out who she was, then I got a call
from my boyfriend who was laughing hysterically! He had gotten on
the relay website and was making up the whole conversation!

Tanna

Practical Joke of the Day – Drip Drop Alarm Clock

This works for well at sleepovers or when you have relatives.

Find a plastic cup and get a knife, sharp pen, or some other
sharp object and poke a hole in the bottom of the cup. Make sure
you wake up earlier than everyone else and fill it up with water
and hold it with your finger until you hold the cup high above
your victim's head. if it is a light sleeper, let the drips out
fast as they freak out waking up, and if they are a heavy
sleeper, slowly let out drops of water on their forehead. The
higher the cup is, the better it is as the drops explode on their
foreheads, freakin them out. See how many victims you can get to
help terrorize the rest of your guests. -Chuck C.

Practical Joke of the Day – Bucket of Steam

I got my first job at the age of 15 at the local hot-rod themed
town restaurant. Being my first job I was very nervous about
making a first impression, and was willing to do whatever I was
told without question, no matter how odd.

The owner of the restaurant was a bit of a prankster, and pulled
me over on my first day, saying he had an errand for me to run.
He handed me a five-gallon bucket (the kind you wash your car
with), with a crudely-made lid of aluminum foil, as well as a
five dollar bill. He told me, "Mike, go next door to the garden
tractor shop and ask them for a bucket of steam."

I was a little confused. Having not yet learned the full layout
of the building, I immediately assumed there may have been a
steam boiler somewhere, and in asking me to get a "bucket of
steam," I guessed he meant some sort of special "steam water."

So away I went next door to the tractor shop, with my tin-capped
bucket in one hand and Honest Abe's portrait in the other, none
the wiser. I walked in on the shop manager and his receptionist,
and quietly stated, "Hi, I'm from the restaurant next door, and I
was told to come here and get a bucket of steam." They both
looked at each other for a second, confused, then the manager
snapped his head in my direction with a big grin on his face (as
if he'd realized something) and responded enthusiastically, "Oh,
sure, steam! Hand me that bucket, and I'll be right back." In
doing so I sat in a nearby chair waiting, and I couldn't help but
notice the receptionist was doing her best to cover her mouth.

A couple of minutes later the manager comes back, foil-capped
bucket in hand. He hands me the bucket and my five dollars back,
and told me, "No charge today!" By now I have a very slight
suspicion that something's awry. But, duty calls, and out the
door I go.

I walk out the door and turn to head back to the restaurant, only
to see the entire kitchen staff standing in the parking lot
waiting for me, with the owner on his knees, laughing
hysterically on the pavement.

I learned a lot from that job, but undoubtedly my most valuable
lesson was to watch your back!

-Mike B. in East Troy, Wisconsin

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