How Vladimir Putin Couldn’t Stop Poopin’

By Vladimir “Mad Dog, Bad Dog” Putin as told to Journalist Peter Pinchaloaf

An entry from Putin’s journal *not scientifically verified*

January 2022

Today I woke up and chose violence. Eh ha ha ha! I took out the Europe map. I’ve heard of a game where I have to blindly pick a place on a map and then visit the place. I made a few changes to the rules. Whichever place I land on, I’m gonna make that place Russian. That’s why Russia is off-limit *because it’s already Russian, duh*.

Ukraine! Ohh, that’s exciting. They removed my bro Victor and I let that go. Also, I heard they elected a comedian as their president. So, I assume they got a sense of humor. No offense but let’s go attack Ukraine.

A few days later

Russia has realized Ukraine is trying to be a member of NATO. How dare Ukraine try to be friends with those people. Eh! NATO feels like such a violent system. They have military support and all those weapons. They can cause war just if they felt like it.

I have no idea why people blame Russia for war intentions. I mean Russia is only the 2nd largest exporter of weapons in the world. Russia has nuclear weapons, missiles, war vehicles, arms, etc. So? that doesn’t say anything. Russia comes in peace. Period.

February 2022

Vladimir Putin has given ample hints to the Ukrainian government about his plans. He is confused as to why they are not taking his threats seriously. He saw a tweet from Zelenskyy about how Russia is a bad neighbor.

Putin Tweet

Russia is a great neighboring country! Ask Georgia to verify. Hihi. Time to make the enemy realize Russia’s power. It’s time to bite the bullet.

Russia is going to war with Ukraine

The news is spreading fast. The conflict and heated environment are radiating through both countries. Every country has their assumptions of the day of the attack. The USA says it will be in 52 hours, NATO thinks it’ll be in 2 days and Ukraine has already declared it will be on 24th Feb. Putin hasn’t even decided it himself. People calm down!

This is creating some pressure on the man to go for the war ASAP. He is doing several interviews which are being deciphered into several more meanings. But none of it is a good enough reason to cause the war on Ukraine.

I mean we know about the journal entry others don’t.

Putin ready for the fight

Since I’m Vladimir Putin, before battle, I like to do one-handed pushups on top of a horse.

Right when I am preparing to leave for the war. Ting tong. Who’s that?

There was a mysterious scroll with ink writing on it. Ugh! Tell people it’s 2022. At least send a Vkontakte message dude.

Entry of an unknown letter

But after Putin reads the letter he is left dumbfounded. NATO has sent a sanction, a penalty to Putin?!?! But the disturbing word was not only ‘sanction’. It was a ‘bowel’ sanction. How can a group of countries decide Putin’s bowel schedule?

As soon as Putin reads the official order, he feels sick to his stomach. Oh wait, his stomach actually feels weird. He runs to the restroom. He has never felt this kind of sickness. He takes a poop and it’s loud and gross and shouldn’t be discussed further.

The sanction is in effect

He goes back to his bed and asks the house-help to call a doctor. Can you imagine being a ruthless dictator sick on the day of an important war? LOL.

Sergey Shoygu, the defense minister comes rushing for permission to start the war. Putin explains all about the sanction and what happened due to it. Shoygu says it’s a bad idea to leave now. Russians believe it’s good to sit in silence before going on a journey for good luck. And although Putin did sit *ahem on the toilet seat*, it was far from silent.

The soldiers are told to wait for further orders. The bowel sanction has gone viral in many countries. Non-stop memes and tik-toks are made on this topic. ‘Real Poop’ is trending.

The doctors give the best medicine and treatment. But nothing seems to work for the Russian Premier. Vladimir Putin keeps getting weak and pale. I mean paler than he already is.


As the war raged on, Putin spends several weeks sitting on the toilet seat for majority time of a day. After losing over 30 lbs. and having severe dehydration, he gives up.

He sends an official scroll back to NATO with an apology. He’s still annoyed using the scroll. I mean at least Gmail or But no! Ugh these barbarians.

Happy ending, or is it?

NATO accepts the apology with a future warning. This is what is meant when someone says, “The pen is mightier than the sword”. And yes “Bowel Sanctions” are real.

And so peeps, that’s how the war was ended all because Putin couldn’t stop poopin’.

Vladimir Poopin'

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