I Met a Girl Who Sang the Blues

American Pie

The lonely teenage broncin’ buck, McClane One Eye Johnson had always felt like an outsider in his small town. He was the only one who wanted to pursue a career in ballet, while all the other boys were content with drinking whiskey and rye and talking about football, girls and cars. One had left his Chevy on the levy, but the levy was dry (Eugene Levy that is because he’s pretty dry).

One day, while walking home from ballet practice, McClane stumbled upon a jester entertaining a group of good ole boys with his jokes and antics. The jester noticed the buck and invited him to join in the fun.

Feeling a bit out of place but excited for some company, McClane decided to join. The jester introduced him to Lennon, a musician who played some tunes on his guitar and it made him smile. The group was having a blast until a batch of sergeants showed up to try to break up the party.

But it didn’t work and the group continued their fun. They started singing “Jack Flash” and dancing around the town square. Suddenly, Satan appeared out of nowhere and challenged them to a dance-off.

The buck, being the only one with formal dance training, stepped up to the challenge. The group cheered him on as he performed a flawless ballet routine, leaving Satan in the dust. Then the girl who sang the blues was so impressed that she asked McClane to dance with her. He asked her for some happy news, and she just turned and danced away (and then back to him once again).

As they twirled around the square, they caught the attention of Miss America (who was also Stifler’s Mother), who was passing through town. She was so impressed by McClane’s talent and her own ability to drink a pint of whiskey in an hour, that she crowned him as the new Miss America.

The good ole boys, who had previously teased McClane for his love of ballet, now saw him in a new light. They realized that he was not only a great dancer, but also a kind and funny person.

McClane said to the good ole boys, “You kinda funny. Now, I’m funny, too!” And, then he added, “Let’s do another dance-off!”

American Pie 2

But this event took a dark turn.

As they were gearing up for another dance-off, the town’s power suddenly went out. Someone had killed the music! They looked around, confused, only to see that Satan had disappeared and left behind a trail of destruction.

The group realized that they had unintentionally summoned Satan with their dancing and singing, and now they had to figure out how to send him back to where he came from (band camp). They turned to McClane, who had been crowned Miss America, for guidance.

With the help of his ballet moves and the good ole boys’ knowledge of southern superstitions, plus a few novelty items from the sacred store like whoopie cushions and farts-in-a jar-they were able to send Satan back to hell (once again, band camp). The town was saved, and McClane had finally found his place in the community.

From that day on, the good ole boys would often ask McClane to teach them ballet moves, and they all ate pie, lots of American Pie (of course after it had already been sodomized by the broncin’ buck, but that was to be expected).

Written by Angus Putzwaller