Guest Post by Pat Mebutt
New habitable planet search mission 2033
I don’t wanna go to space. Nothing is exciting about a place that sucks all air out of you and stretches every 206 bones of your body. I don’t even qualify. I gave my astronaut exams online. And who the heck studies online?
I excelled in my exams and got the first ranking in the states despite wearing my kegel hat. But that’s because my friend helped me search all the answers on Google! Damnit, one mistake and I am out to “Grenishwich”. Grenishwich was founded by NASA in 2020. As if the world needed any more problems that year.
NASA kept the discovery a secret till 2033 while simultaneously researching this odd planet between Venus and Earth. Finally, they are sending me in hope of finding minerals and oil. Humans only care about minerals and oils. No one cares about my life, do they? Selfish dumbos.
You guys will not believe everything I went through. I got off my rocket and was shocked by what stood in front of me. Paintings! Like actual 2-D paintings but they were moving and talking. They weren’t even portraits of people; they were random shapes and designs. This is unexpected, NASA hadn’t detected any living creatures on this planet, let alone 2-D aliens.
I thought the ones with less art on them are babies and the colorful ones are adults but nope. Apparently, the art represented their personalities like simple shapes represented boring people(/painting/creatures?).
As soon as I landed 6 aliens took me with them. All of them had just one blue circle on their canvas. Of course, the blandest creatures were the scientists. They laid me on the ground, the literal planet’s surface. Isn’t this unhygienic? Guys, where is my guest treatment? Iced coffee? Fuzzy slippers? Nothing?
They started to physically probe me. I hate having a stranger fool with me. Ugh, but back on Earth there was a deadly pandemic in my world. What do you mean it ended in 2 years, my trauma didn’t, okay! That’s why I never got back in shape. Whatever.
They probed my throat. I mean my teeth look brighter and ah! Tonsils are cured. Next, they went for my digestive system. Eww, these creatures are gross, putting their hands in my anus. Without gloves! I don’t care if they don’t have hands. Someone, please make them follow medical procedures.
Wow! They just removed several polyps from my intestine. So that’s why my stomach used to hurt. Thanks guys, you are very helpful. No no no no! They are touching my genitals. But wait, they are curing my Gonorrhea.
What a relief, I’ll never have human STDs anymore. Alien STDs? Maybe. I scan around the room trying to find a hot chick, but they all look the same. I am not racist, but they are all white canvas and blue circles.
And that was all the news about the ‘New habitable planet search mission 2033’. These people were nice. They let me collect samples from their planet. Maybe they don’t realize the risk of humans colonizing them but meh, my work is done here. They gave me a t-shirt and sent me on my way.
Just to note, I might want to come back here for some free dental and colon checkups. I mean billion dollars is expensive to NASA but free to me.