For a catastrophe denoted by slow, shambling, and braindead creatures, the zombie apocalypse began as a surprisingly coordinated attack. But it is unclear which group launched the attack on humanity. Was it the Chinese? The Russians? The FBI? Or was it a far more insidious organization like ISIS or the furry community? We may never know.
Regardless of who started it, however, we do know it started with the children. How clever our attackers were to start with the one group that can bite people without going to prison or being put down. The situation was further exacerbated by a viral Tik-Tok trend where people put on elaborate zombie makeup and pretended to devour their friends and family. At least I think those were acts. I’d rather not think about the alternative.
Anyway, the Tik-Tok trend effectively masked the spreading plague, making it challenging for the populace to tell if a child was a little flesh-eating monster or the regular financially ruinous little snot monsters that humans have been brainwashed by their biology to love.
Oh, I should probably mention at this point that I am… well, I… I’m not a human. Eh, so actually, I’m a T-shirt (the T stands for tremendously fashionable). But I’m not a normal T-shirt. I’m actually a pretty funny t-shirt. So, I’m a white T-shirt (don’t judge me by the color of my fabric) with black text (see, I could get a job if I wanted to) and a cake on it that says, “It’s My Birthday. Blow Me, Lick Me.”
This can be taken several different ways. I don’t want to brag, but it’s pretty funny. What’s that? You didn’t laugh. Well, umm…I guess you just need to see it for yourself…because it’s frickin’ hilarious.
Anywhooooooo, we were talking about the zombie apocalypse. And as bad as it was for humans, it was a lot worse for clothes. I don’t know how many zombie movies you’ve seen, but the clothes are always torn to shreds. And before you brush that off, I’d like to specify that while my printing press did tell me I was a very special bundle of cloth, I’m not the only shirt that is sentient. In fact, all clothing can think and feel. That’s why men’s underwear always gets a bunch of holes in them. They have a sweaty dick and pair of balls in their face all the time and are trying to kill themselves.
But not all clothing has it that bad. In fact, shirts have it the best out of all the clothing items. We’re loose enough that we have some space to breathe and are touching nipples all of the time. It’s great.
Nipple tangent aside, the zombie apocalypse was terrible. Jeff, the guy I hang out on from time to time, happened to be wearing me when sht hit the fan. Jeff was a code monkey for a major video game company. He wasn’t exactly an Olympic athlete, so we had a lot of close calls early on. In those beginning days of the apocalypse, there were a lot of people running around the place. I saw a lot of humans almost get eaten. The thing that haunts me the most is that moment when a zombie reaches out to grab a person but comes up short and tears the person’s shirt off of them instead. It’s horrifying. A close second is when someone gets hurt and they rip up their shirt to bandage the wound. Like what the fck, dude?
Sorry, I keep getting distracted. This sort of thing just really frays me out. Ok, back to the story…A few weeks in, there were a lot less people and the people that were still alive had become a lot more hostile. At the time, Jeff and I were all by ourselves. Sure, Jeff was also wearing pants, but those guys were *ssholes, so I don’t count them.
Jeff was sneaking into an abandoned grocery store to search for any overlooked food when there was a gunshot and a bullet buried itself into the store’s wall about a foot from Jeff’s head. Jeff spun around and saw his attacker 15 feet away from him, peeking out from behind a pile of rubble. He charged at the assailant and tackled them to the ground. Jeff and the gunner struggled for a while until the attacker managed to throw Jeff off of them. They both got to their feet and stood face-to-face for the first time. After a tense second, the gunner giggled.
“What?” Jeff said defensively.
“Sorry, it’s just your shirt. It’s funny.”
“Oh, umm, thanks. Yours is pretty funny too.”
The tension eased a bit and we all appraised each other. Not only was the attacker a young, attractive blonde, but she was also wearing a shirt that had the fictional chemical element “Ah” on it with text below it saying, “the element of surprise”. I don’t know what it was when I saw the girl’s shirt, but I felt something. All over. It was like what I imagine pneumonia feels like. She was beautiful.
“So, are we not trying to kill each other?” Jeff asked.
The woman shrugged. “I guess not. That’d just be kinda awkward at this point.”
“Ok, so I guess we’re cool?”
“Yeah, I guess.” There was an awkward pause.
“Umm, why did you try to shoot me?” Jeff asked.
“Oh, I wasn’t trying to kill you. I was just trying to scare you off from the store, but then
you tackled me so, you know…I thought you were trying to kill me.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I thought you were trying to kill me.”
“But neither one of us is trying to kill the other…right? The girl asked.
“No, I don’t think so.” Both were silent for a few moments.
“So, umm,” Jeff started nervously, “Your gunshot probably attracted zombies that are going to be here any second now. So, we should probably get out of here. And since it is an apocalypse, maybe we should-ah, stick together. You know, to watch each other’s backs.”
“Oh, umm. Yeah, that makes sense. If you don’t stab me in my sleep, I won’t stab you in
“Ok, cool.” Jeff ran one of his hands through his hair. “By the way, my name is Jeff.”
The girl smiled. “Nice to meet you, my name is Stephanie.”
“Nice to meet you, Stephanie.”
And so, we set off into the wasteland that the world had become…and that’s the story so far. I wish I had a more satisfying ending for you. We’re still stuck in the middle of a catastrophe and are probably all going to die soon. But at least we aren’t alone anymore. So that’s nice. There haven’t been a lot of nice things since all of this started, so I’m counting it as a win. So, to celebrate I’m going to buy myself some best fiends merch, so there!