Guest Post by Angus “Porkchop” Holstein
What a time to be alive. Or not alive if you are in Ukraine. Ehe. Wait, I can’t get out of character. I am bond! Paul bond! Damn it, I should have changed my name after the release of Casino Royale. But here I am being the boring Paul Bond. Although my job description might impress you. I am a delegate of a stellar confidential administrative compartment limited liability company. That’s short for ‘secret government agent’.
Which government did you wonder? World government. Common people don’t know about us, but we exist. And today we have come to kidnap Vladimir Putin. I can’t arrest because I am a secret government agent, everything needs to be carried out secretly. I ninja my way into Putin’s Palace. And run out with the president from the front door. There was literally one password-protected lock (and the password was 1111).
I put a black cloth over his head so he can’t see where I am taking him. When you watch interrogations in a movie, it directly cuts to the scene where the suspect is sitting on the chair. Let me tell you what happens before that. I put unconscious Putin on my shoulder. Oh god, he’s heavy. Then I put him on the chair and drag it to the interrogation table. No heavy metal music is playing in the background. The only noises are the chair dragging and me panting.
Putin opens his eyes, and I am so close to his face that he falls back in shock. Aha! Strike one. I pick him up because his hands are tied and it’s a struggle for him to get up like that.
“Do you know why you are here, Mr. Putin?”
“Of course, not you idiot! Let me go, how dare you tie me up like this?”
“We are here to talk about the war crimes you have committed.”
“Huh? What are war crimes?”
“Dude are you for real? Get a smarter Putin, this one’s dumb. Ugh! Let me explain what war crimes are. You broke the rules of war.”
Deadly silence for 3 minutes and then Putin busts out laughing.
“Who made rules for war? Even war has rules?”
“Putin you need to stop laughing. This isn’t funny. War crimes include many things like attacking civilians, raping or murdering of people in the name of war, destroying infrastructure absolutely necessary for the survival of the attacked country, use of weapons like nuclear bombs, etc.”
Deadly silence for 3 minutes and Putin says, “Ah, that makes sense man. I get it. But again, why am I here?”
“Oh my god, someone please call the police this man is annoying me. Putin, you committed war crimes.
- Deliberate genocide of civilians in Bucha.
- You used thermobaric explosives which suck up oxygen and caused suffocation.
- Attacked civil refugees trying to leave the country for safety.
- Attacks near the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant.
- Destruction of cultural properties.
- Attack on hospitals and medical facilities.
- Need I go on?
Do you accept to have committed these crimes, Mr. Putin?”
Putin gives a sly smile and says, “Oh well, oops.” and goes back to sipping on his coffee.
I stare straight into his eyes and say, “Enjoy your coffee, Mr. President.”
He realizes something is wrong and stops drinking. It takes a mere 20 minutes for the effects to show up. Putin pukes the first time. In the next 6 hours, he projectile pukes 37 times more.
“I accept! Ukraine was my fault. All this is my fault. Please make me stop puking.”
I look at him and say, “Oh well, oops.”