As you may know, the first few weeks of any new job are a period of adjustment even for a rascally Yeti. You learn your way around the office (forest) and meet everyone on your team (other animals). Everyone has their own quirks, but it’s easy to find common ground. Until… well, until one day when my life was completely upended by projectile diarrhea.
Yes, you read that right. I had the flu and caught an even worse bug from someone who shall remain nameless but now goes by the nickname “The Rear End Vomit Comet.” To this day I won’t say exactly which of my co-workers gave me this virus (but it was either Moose or Squirrel), but this terrible ordeal is what happens when you get hit with a bad case of Funny Flu leading to Projectile Diarrhea at work.
Now, my co-worker had projectile diarrhea
I remember that they came into the office and said, “Hey, I’m really sick. I’m going home now, but I’ll be back on Monday.” After they left, everyone was joking about how he / she / it had the “Funny” Flu. We all laughed about it because that’s what people do. But then… Well, the next day they were back at work, scratching their butt against a tree. And the day after that, was even worse. Their projectile butt vomit was unbearable (and yes, even the bears ran away).
They had to go home but came back the next day again. This went on for a week. And this is when I should have said something. Why didn’t I? Because I was also sick. But I had the normal flu and was just in a bed of leaves resting. I did not have diarrhea boiling out of the end of my body. So even though I had to take time off, I realized later that I should have taken action. But I didn’t. So now I’m just going to have to live with it.
I mean, this was serious.
What do you do when someone on your team is sick? You ask them if they need anything and tell them to take as much time off as they need. Then, you ask them to quarantine themselves in their home, home on the range until they’re better and aren’t bringing their illness to other co-working beasts. That’s what you do with a normal flu.
But when you have someone with the Funny Flu, there’s not really much you can do to contain it. For example, I had to stop eating lunch with the team and eating in general because I was afraid I might projectile vomit my sandwich onto one of the others. I desperately wanted to stay home in my comfy bed of memory foam oak leaves, but I didn’t feel bad enough to do so. This was a huge mistake.
This is probably the worst day of my life
It was a normal day at work. We were in the middle of a meeting when one of my co-workers stood up and projectile butt vomited all over the conference room table. That’s a bad way to end a meeting. After that, the entire team was quarantined. The forest was closed!
The cleaning crew (orange jumpsuit convicts) came in and cleaned up the runny turd muffins, but it was still a very bad situation as the smell made the convicts vomit as well. It was very Orwellian was this firetruck brown water hose-fest! I wanted to stay leave the quarantine, but I was worried about losing my job. After all, I really needed a few days off to heal. Do they give Projectile Poo Days off?
I had to take a lot of time off work after this
Of course, I stayed at work for a few more days and tried to commute back home from the office once the quarantine lifted. And, once I did, I became so green around the gills and exhausted that I had to call in sick. My doctor suggested I stay home for at least two weeks.
I had been dealing with the flu for nearly a week but then contracted my co-worker’s terrible delirious diarrhea debacle. So, I ended up staying home for nearly a month. I didn’t want to risk coming back to work before I wasn’t filling up the toilet bowl, sink, and washer and dryer with my salacious rocket’s brown glare and bombs bursting in air. Traumatized by the adrenaline rush that can only come with Olympic level poop vomit, I tell you. I needed EMDR therapy to get over this PTSD crap! (Oh, c’mon, you say? Don’t gaslight me!)
Conclusion: Don’t contract the Funny Flu and projectile diarrhea at work
Trust me, you don’t want to go through what I did. It was a complete nightmare. You might laugh now, but trust me, you don’t want to have a co-worker with the “Funny” Flu breathing all over you like a zombie with boundary issues.
And if you start to feel sick, even if you think it’s just a normal flu, make sure you take a few days off work. Don’t let the brown get you down (or give you extra speed like a diarrhea booster rocket on a SpaceX launchpad)!
Written by Shawn Sean Shaun Deshaun O’Shaughnessy